Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Zombies of the Comics Page

I subscribe to two papers. I recently discovered I could save time without cutting back on my Mirth Quota by skipping all the zombie comics. I define those as any comic strip that is neither written nor drawn by an original creator. Here are the ones in my two papers:

Beetle Bailey
Dennis the Menace
Frank and Earnest
Hagar the Horrible
Peanuts (okay, orignal writer/artist, but they are reruns)
Prince Valiant
Sally Forth
Wizard of Id

If I'm wrong about any of these, I'm sure someone will tell me. Quite a lot, huh? No wonder the new cartoonists are all on the web.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Jesse's Rule

Reverend Jesse Jackson
Originally uploaded by gloperflicker
I am hereby putting all public figures on notice. I am drafting, codifying, and invoking as of today, a new law for the behavior of all politicians, preachers, business executives, entertainers, authors, and others in the public eye. It is called Jesse’s Rule in honor of the Reverend Jackson, the last person who will receive the benefit of the doubt, since he committed his offense before the law went into effect. Here it is:

Section 1. Just as all guns are to be considered loaded, all microphones are to be considered live.

Section 2. All public figures are assumed to be aware of Section 1.

Section 3. Therefore, any public figure who says something stupid, insulting, and/or vulgar in front of a live microphone will be assumed to have done it deliberately, and with malice aforethought.

Section 4. Any public figure who wishes to claim immunity from Section 3 will be required to go before live cameras and microphones and announce: “I forgot that all mics are to be considered live. I have the same IQ as gravel.”

Section 5. In addition, any liberal public figure who does the live mic routine on Fox News and wishes to claim it was an honest mistake, will not be allowed to speak in public again until he has written out 5,000 times in longhand, “I am dumber than a chainsaw pedicure.”

Thank you for your attention. I’m sure you will agree the Republic is a safer place now.